As a kid, there were two things that I thought were going to happen for me when I grew up: become a mom and have more control over my life.
Well one of those things happened.
I love being a mom, but the biggest lesson I have learned after almost a decade of motherhood, is that I have to give over the control for happiness and to be truly present.
Before becoming a mom, I knew that our schedules would change. I knew that there were parts of their growing up that would be out of our hands. You know the big stuff. I can’t control when they get sick or what their interests may be.
But I never thought to think about the mundane day to day things that would make me feel out of control and have to remember that I prayed for this life.
Over the years there are definitely things that pain me to watch and parts of me cringe not being able put order into little moments. Losing control is part of motherhood, and it is perfectly ok to feel crazy about it sometimes. I have had to normalize this feeling over the years because there are times that I felt like I was losing my my mind because things were not happening in a certain way. Motherhood is anything but control, and we are often just living on a hope and a prayer.
My house is in a different state of chaos at all times.
There are cardboard structures and blanket forts as permanent decorations. There are toys everywhere, and it looks like I am running a daycare in my living room.
But this is also where their imagination soars, and I know there is so much that comes from feeling safe to do this kind of play in all spaces of our house. I don’t want to stifle this childhood because I need things to be presentable. I want them to remember all the exploring and creating they were able to do in our house. I don’t want them to be “bedroom” kids and think that is the only space in the house that is theirs. While there is some truth to that, I love that you see marks of their childhood throughout the house.
Our dining room table is more of a dump area than a community space.
But this is also where everyone can shed the weight of work and school before they step into the rest of the house. I want them to feel the comfort of our home and for it to be lived in because well, we live here. And honestly having this right off our entry way makes our lives easier to just dump things and know the things we need to leave the house are piled here.
I thought that because Tom and I were good eaters, that we would be able to role model eating a wide array of foods. So when all three of them have been picky over the years, I feel at a loss on how to make sure they are getting what they need. I always thought that you eat what you get would be a good enough stance to just work.
But then I realize that if I have to buy the 40 piece nugget option at McDonald’s to make some nights easier because one child will only eat this type of chicken, then so be it. I will take back some control in that way and just accept the boujeeness of it all. While I can control what is on their plate, I cannot control what they choose to actually eat off that plate. I want them to learn how to speak about food in a healthy way and me losing a little control by not requiring clean plates actually lets them create healthy relationships with food.
Unfortunately the things that makes me lose my marbles the most is how my children approach their clothing. It is like nails on a chalkboard watching them put outfits together with mismatched patterns and colors. And I struggle that no one seems to catch on how to organize a closet around here.
However, I love to see their faces when they are so proud of the outfit they put together. I wish I had the confidence that they have when I was going through school. Also I have to realize that everyone has their own organization style and at least they are getting their clothes to their closet. Ownership here doesn’t have to be about my ownership, but how they learn to move through the world.
I guess in a sense then, I really do have control. Control to understand when to put boundaries around my own peace and give in to letting them have theirs. I do get to control the type of motherhood I do want to embrace. Sometimes I do organize their closets for my own satisfaction, but most days I will myself to let it go. And while there are times I wish our house was cleaner or that we didn’t have to cater to so many different eating preferences, I also wouldn’t trade this life for anything. I get to lean into the chaos of it all. At the end of the day, I know that I don’t have to control everything in motherhood. And honestly, I think that is some of the beauty of it. The lesson has been knowing when to give some of the control to them in order for them grow. And it has been magical to be part of it all with them.